Archive for January, 2013

Weekly Photo Challenge: Love

Definition of  Love

Noun – An intense feeling of deep affection: “their love for their country”.

Verb – Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): “do you love me?”

From External HD 943This is a picture of my maternal grandparents taken in Jamaica circa 1970’s I am guessing. They were married for over 50 years. They raised three children together. They were best friends. They loved to travel, especially to the islands down south. They went to Jamaica 17 different times. My grandfather passed away in 1999 at age 84. My Grandma is still with us and will be 88 this year and is in great health. I thank God each time I get to spend a day with her. She has been a great influence in my life. I love her so much and I feel grateful to be given the chance to share and show that love with my girls. They love her in a way that amazing me. They gravitate towards her, and she loves them. She loves watching them, and listening to them. There is a special twinkle in her eye for each of her four great grandchildren. I pray that twinkle keeps shining for just a little while longer.

I chose this photo to show what love means to me. The love they shared is the reason I am here and able to experience the love of my own children. When I look at this picture, I see so many things. It makes me smile, giggle, happy, hopeful. I feel a bit reminiscent and sometimes a bit sad. Best of all I always feel the love. Always.

Of course, there is the love I feel for my children which is paramount and almost inexplicable. There is the love for my husband and falling in love with him.  To love, to be loved, to be in love, for love, with love, with a loved one means something different and unique to each of us.For me, love is all of these things and more.

Love is unconditional.

Love comes with disappointment, broken hearts, souls and dreams.

Love is not feeling alone.

Love is having a safe place to go.

Love is constant.

Love is lifelong friendships that are as comfortable as a cozy sweater.

Love is crying my face off and then laughing a minute later.

Love is more powerful than anger, hate, frustration combined

Love is listening, just listening.

Love is helping my family, regardless if you want to or not.

Love is being able to forgive.

Love is spending time with my sisters.

Love is the feeling I have when I am with the children in my family.

Love is not perfect and no expectation to be.

Love is being able to confess all of my unwanted thoughts to a friend without feeling judged.

Love is snuggling with my husband and baby girls in the wee hours of the morning under warm blankets.

Contrary to the reading from my wedding, love is not always patient. Love is not always blind.

Love does not mean giving in.

Love does not mean go with the flow.

Love is faith in whatever I choose to believe in.

Love is not apathetic.

Love is not indecisive.

Love is laughing so hard my face hurts.

  sister

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Blog for Mental Health 2013

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

blogformentalhealth20131winner

Reading through the Freshly Pressed, I ran across this blog. I have a keen interest in breaking the stigma that comes with Mental Illness and bringing Mental Health issues into the open. After reading about this campaign and looking through this blog, I had to get involved. Check it out over at A Canvas of the Minds.

I live with a Mental Illness every moment of every day. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder accompanied by PTSD and anxiety. I wasn’t always this way. I know how it feels to be happy and experience pure joy. I remember the anticipation and excitement of the new. I wish I was capable of being as organized as I once was. I know the difference and I don’t feel those things anymore. My brain doesn’t work properly. But it use to.

It is difficult to describe as mental illness is subjective and can present in so many ways. For me it is like always having an extra fifty pounds on my back while constantly walking uphill without a plateau. It is exhausting, it is a struggle some days to move forward, it is never being able to catch my breath. My thoughts are out of sequence and my perception is messed up. For me it is the feeling of failure over and over. I can’t control my moods. I am not just an asshole. I really can not control outbursts of rage, anger or weeping sometimes. Really. The scariest part is not knowing what I said or did and being unable to connect feelings of emptiness to anything in my life. I have not been able to work in over two years. Every day life stresses send me over my edge.

But it is not just me who suffers. the worst is watching my family suffer. Knowing I am the catalyst to the looks of fear and disappointment on my children’s faces just fuels the mental illness fire and makes the disease worse. Everyone is affected by mental illness. I mean everyone. It is time to talk. To be open and honest and stop judging. To just listen and be a friend.

Check out this campaign…pass it on. Let’s open this up, show people they are not alone and being afraid of this or afraid to express is the just the fear of the unknown.

I am suppose to sponsor 5 followers to do the same – I can’t figure that part out….

I challenge EVERYONE who know me to join this campaign and sponsor 5 people that you know to do the same.

Perfectly Imperfect

the-gifts-of-imperfection-quoteI am sorry. I am so sorry. It doesn’t make up for all that I have done. It will never be enough.

I stumbled upon this today in a post I started over 2 months ago. It had the above apology and nothing else. No notes, no title, no images. Here is what it is about:

I feel tremendous guilt for so many things in my life. Some rightly so but most, not so much. I have made mistakes. I have been a terrible friend. I have been an unloving wife. I have been a bitch. I have been way to drunk and said and did things I truly regret. I have been a thief. I have betrayed trust. I have manipulated. I have cheated. I have denied forgiveness. I  have lied, and lied and lied again and never felt bad about it. I have engaged in reckless behaviors. I have broken the law. I have broken hearts. I have been a victim of rape. I have bad habits I am not willing to break. I have a temper. I have a fat body. I have a very small head. My eyes are extremely close together. I have stabbed people in the back. I have been preoccupied …a lot. I have put myself first. I have used people. I have led people on. I have been jealous. I have been filled with rage  and envy. I have been unbecoming. I have taken on more than I can handle. I have been avoiding  the truth. I have turned the other cheek. I have addictions. I have been dis-respectful. I have been pretentious. I have Mental Illness and it is not going away.

This is me. This is some of who I am.  I am imperfect. For the first time in 38 years I am OK with it.

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